Perfection.

I'm not perfect

And I know it

You aren't either

But you deny it

I'm not perfect

For you

But admit it

I'm pretty damn close

You're not perfect

For me either

Think I care?

You were raised

To be perfect

I was raised

To do my best

Is that where

We don't fit?

Is that it?

Another thing to burn 

Into the family portrait?

History shall prevent

Us having a future?

Just perfect.

The lyrics to Through the Dark by KT Tunstall won't all fit in here, so I'm saying this instead...

When I walk away from you

Will you call my name?

This is horrible, but I hope so

When I walk away from you

Will you run after me and take me in your arms?

This is horrible, but I hope so

When I walk away from you

Will you realize that I was right right for you?

This is horrible, but I hope so

After I walk away from you 

Will you be sorry?

I hope so.

Fear

You know what scares me more then not wearing a bra?

More than a butterfly on my face?

More than a huge vampire moth with a gun?

The word 'goodbye'.

I mean, I say it, but I hate it everytime.

Movies that leave you with 'The End' in golden sparkling fonts?

No matter how happy the ending is, I feel a little chip in my heart because endings aren't good.

The only time I say it without totally hating it, is when I am able to follow it with the promise of seeing that person again. 

That's why I feel so guilty about the night of July 31, 2006 when I said, "Goodbye, Mommy. I love you." instead of what I had said the night before which was, "Goodnight, Mommy. I love you. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

Goodbye is a horrible, yucky, disgusting, monster goat raping-bugeyed_asshole_viceprincipal of a word.

If hell and Satan were only a word, hell would be 'bye' and Satan would be 'good'.

That's the irony of the phrase. 

There's nothing good about a separation.

All it ever does it hurt.

Sometimes people like Jeff feel relieved.

But that's a rare case.

Ends should never happen.

Moments that you treasure should last eternally.

Friends should stick together forever.

Divorces shouldn't be wanted.

Breakups should be unnecessary.

Goodbye should be a thing of the past.

I wish I could say goodbye to goodbye.

Screw it.

You know what?

I'm gonna say what I need to say.

I'm going to live without regret here.

My life in this small comfy town is coming to an end.

Its okay. 

I've left here before.

I lived.

Mom didn't, but I'm dealing with it.

I don't want to live without regrets anymore.

I'm sick of being afraid.

I'm going to hand the code and hang the rules.

Who needs to live inside the boundaries when you're about to leave them all anyway?

I don't.

On the subject of moving.

I am afraid.

I don't want to leave.

But I have no choice.

There's nothing I can do to stop this.

Life creates bonds.

Love that should last a life time.

Friendships that will never die.

But then the moving truck comes.

And the compassion is crushed beneath it's tires.

We lie.

We say we'll keep in touch.

Talk every weekend.

Keep one another up to date.

But that's not how it happens. 

I know this already.

You kinda sorta stay together.

Talk once a month if that.

Different environments make different types of people.

People grow apart even if they try to fight it.

That's why I'm scared.

I want to make the most of this time here.

But what can I do?

Fall in love all over again with someone else.

And hold them for two months before I get thrown in a car and taken over the mountain?

Long distance relationships don't work like short distance ones too.

Letters and sounds only make you so happy.

You need a person to love, not just words.

But that isn't even really an option.

Its not like he likes me back.

He laughes at the fact that I like him.

He doesn't understand that he has such an effect on me.

That I don't feel dizzy when ever he stands a little too close.

He thinks that its this huge funny hillarious joke.

That its not slowing disintigrating my heart.

But is that better for me? 

I wont have much to loose in the way of a love life when I go.

But will it be worse?

Knowing myself, I'll wonder forever.

I'll need to know what could have happened if I didn't leave.

It will drive me insaine.

When I'm getting married how many what-if-guys will flash through my head as I walked slowly towards the alter?

I think I already know the answer.

A number that's not healthy.

I don't want to leave the square.

What will be become?

Two points and a segment? 

That's really shitty.

They already lost one, now they have to loose another?

I feel conceited saying that, but really.

Goddamn. They don't need that.

I don't want to miss out on the life I could have had here.

Here, there are opportunities.

The choir program is amazing.

But you know that the choir is like there?

10 kids who most of are high singing stuff that I could sight read perfectly for the first time on stage.

And I bombed the sight singing portion of my audition, I'm convinced.

There's one thing that I'm happy to leave behind though.

Memories.

I wont have to walk past that place we used to eat lunch anymore.

I wont have to see that tree anymore.

I wont have to see him anymore.

I wont have to hear his voice anymore.

I can leave behind my own personal demon.

Its the easiest poltergiest escape imaginable.

Its thrilling.

I feel free already.

But all of this makes me wonder

Will my life from now till June 5th be completely irrelvant?

What will the point be?

Should I have fun and enjoy myself?

Or should I protect myself and not be as hurt when it happens?

And how do I act when it happens?

Do I be brave like Natalie was?

Or do I show how hurt I am?

Can I keep the self restraint to not say all the things I want to say?

Or will I explode and dig myself a little hole to fall into before I leave?

All of my hopes?

All of my dreams?

Were based upon growing up here.

My life had exploded. 

Everything changed.

I landed from the explosion here.

I made myself a little home. 

A place to feel alright with the world.

I was happy.

I felt ready to face my life.

But now what?

My home?

I have to leave it.

My dreams?

Unachievable.

My hopes?

Dead.

My selfworth?

Back to where I started.

Conficence?

Shattered.

Will to live?

I'll have to get back to you.

Excitment for the year to end?

Its a little thing called dread.

Rag Doll

When you were young

You were supposed to play with trains

Roll in the mud

Pretend to be Superman

But no, you played Barbie with your sister

Were there tea parties too? 

I'll bet there were

You obtained more masculine qualities as you grew

Became less awkward

Kinda...sorta...not really...sure why not?

But I gave you a sliver of my heart regardless

At first you didn't even know it

You could have had more if you knew to ask for it

But your ignorance led you to none

Then when I was stolen away and locked into a unit

You realized what I had placed in your hands

You planted it, gave it some time

At first it was forgotten

Burried beneath the ground deep

Then after some time, it began to grow

A speck appeared about the ground

You clapped your hands together and danced

Watered the tiny pitiful thing

To see what would happen

Well, it grew

And it became too large to contain

But you realized what you could control:

Me

Now I'm just your toy

Your plaything

A way to pass the time

I would be okay with that if you gave the love back

But you hold it all for yourself

So where does that leave me?

As a rag doll

Flimsy and weak

Meeting your every controling demand

Did your love your childhood that much?

You missed playing with your dolls?

Adolecent Anthem....kinda sorta....not really

We are trapped inside of ourselves

All brimming with curiosity

Pondering who we are

So many experiances left unexplored

They are so far away, yet they fill our heads

Pushing away everything in reality

All so unhappy

All so scared

All so awkward

All with the same problems

All with different answers

All afraid to band together

We fear everything

So we fight amongst ourselves

Trying to prove our prowess

Don't know where we're going

Don't know how to get there

Only know what we're doing is wrong

We all have thoughts:

"I want him to hold me"

"I want to steal that kiss"

We all have parents:

"He's nothing but trouble."

"Don't do that! You'll end up with herpes!"

All to which we respond:

"What the

Fucking hell?!?"

Where are we going?

Who are we?

What's the point?

You want to know their answer?

Well here it is:

Just do as you're told and everything will be fine.

Everything will be fine?

What bullshit!

How do you even know?

You just want to make sure I don't cause any trouble

Don't want me to get hurt

Don't want me to do something stupid

Well, I have done stupid things

And I learned from it

I learned about myself

I actually saw things I never expected 

Learned things I didn't want to know

Felt a type of guilt I didn't know existed

But I grew from it

I was able to like myself more

Feel more comfortable in my own skin

I've been confused

I've been deceived

I've been lied to

But one thing's always been true

Puberty

Sucks

Observations.

I think I am attracted to guys I have no chances with/like guys that I somewho know will tear my heart out at one point or another. Lets make a list shall we?

1- Do I even have to explain? Everyone knows the story. But, hey, I'm still breathing. (Does everyone have a song of Katy Parry's that they identify with? Because I'm Still Breathing really fits me.)

2-He broke my heart twice on the phone and once or twice in person.

3-Everytime I goddamn see him now. 

My subconcience boy picks are not made of awesome or cool beans. They are made of fail and shitty fart making beans. (No offence to the three that made this rule come true. You three work for other people, but not me I've come to find. Hence the failbomb nature of my point here.)

Note-Digital Quotes Book has a few updates.

Monsters, Tesosterone, and Things I Don't Understand

Hey you, yeah you. I'm not going to thank you for encouraging me to take up guitar this time. I would like to share how much I dislike you for encouraging me to become someone who I wasn't, someone I never dreamed I could turn into. So, I guess, thank you for shattering the bounds of my ability to imagine how horrible a person could become with a simple change in her life. And you, the other one, you didn't encourage it openly, you just encouraged it with jokes and attention. But either of you only own a fraction of the blame her. 1/100 to be exact. The rest of that 100? It goes to me. I let myself loose sight of my values, what I believed in to go and follow what ever tesosterone filled boys liked me. (Yes, liked. I no longer believe that you loved me at all, Assface.) I allowed myself to become a monster. I forgot about my friends. My world consisted of me and my boys, and anyone who would listen about me and my boys. I dominated sleepover conversations selfishly. I bragged about the attention I got from the boy my friend cared for so dearly, and flirted with him infront of her all the time. I stopped being able to care about my friends most of the time. I would try to listen, and to emotionally invest in what they had to say, but I couldn't. My mind would always jump back to what I had to say next. I hurt my friends. Badly. I'm amazed they put up with me as kindly as they did. They were amazing about me being shitty. They kept me as a friend when I least deserved to me. I can't exactly figure out why they'd do that besides being such lovely, amazing, wonderful girls, because I certainly had to redeeming qualities at that time. I wasn't even aware that I was so awful to them. My mind was up in a little pink bubble of the opposite gender and ignorance. I stayed a monster for a very long time. At least half a year. Only they could tell you when I stopped, if I did at all. So many moments that should have been amazing for them, I recked. I screwed up the tiniest things too. There's no way I'll ever be able to pay them back. There is no bride's maids dress ugly enough, no number of times that I could save their lives, there is nothing to settle the debt. 

8th grade-the year i killed.

summer-the vacation i killed.

9th grade-the year i killed.

10th grade?-i hope i dont fuck up

Writing as someone else.

Today, I challenged myself to write as someone else after finishing my STAR test. This is what I came up with:

Why are you so afraid of love?

Love is the best thing a person can have

Better than money in a bank

Better than the sun's glow

Better than a wish upon a star

Why do you shy away, Love?

I will never harm you.

I'll only take your hand in mine

If someone's already hurt you,

I'll take you away somewhere far

Has someone else betrayed your love?

I pray it isn't so

I'll hunt them down and make them pay

I'll chase away your demons

I'll rid you of all your scars

Will you let me love you, Love?

That's all I've ever wanted

To give you life's most treasured gift

To see you smile in a white dress

Then your life and my life can just be ours.

This poem makes me feel like Princess Mia.

Insults-

Something in anger,

I laugh

Something in jest,

I am haunted

You think you are my friend

You really are my demon

Once was an angel

Now a ghost

You pull at the strands of my hair to make me giggle

It rips at the strings of me heart

You are a rock

Can't be moved

Can't be hurt

Strong & Everlasting

I am a paper

Can be folded

Can be torn

Weak & Crumpled

Rock, Paper, Scissors

We're supposed to be together

But Scissors is cutting me up

And you're smashing Scissors

Why can't we just jump over the moon

And land in the stars

Loving always?

Would you?

Would you have to be huffing glue

To say I love you too?

Super Confident.

Right now, I am gross. I am covered in a layer of chlorene. My hair is disgusting (again, chlorene) and my bangs are doing that funny thing that they do after I pin them up (a.k.a sticking straight up.) I haven't shaved my legs in a few days, and when I painted my nails I was watching Harry Potter, so it looks like a five year old did them. But I still feel pretty. I feel better than pretty. I feel Beautiful in Pink. I feel Stunning in Pink. I feel Huggable, Kissable, Loveable in Pink. I feel Amazing in Pink. I feel like five feet and six inches of attractive. 

Now, I know I'm not the prettiest in the world, or in school, or even in my group of friends, but I do feel that I'm pretty enough to love myself and feel confident in myself. 

I am Ginny. Hear me roar.

(Or squeak when people shank me. xD)

Confidence.

Normally after I get out of the shower, how I think my apperance is blah. Like, Whatever. I look funny? So what?  I'm going to bed now.

But right now, I'm thinking I look good. Even though I look just the same as I do every other night.

I'm wearing pink head to toe. Literally everything I'm wearing is either pink or has pink in it that draws the attention of that piece of clothing. 

I guess I've fully learned to love myself. 

I went from blehmaZZing to amazing.

And the best part of it all, is:

I did it all by myself. No one had to compliment me and tell me how much they love me. I just took a look in the mirror and decided that I'm not ugly, I'm fine just the way I am.

I feel Pretty in Pink. 

I've been saved.

Okay. Most of you know this issue that I have. I can't get over a guy through sheer will power. Something has to happen to make me really really sad or really really pissed off for me to get over them. I have been saved today. I thought I was screwed before this, but today saved me. I am now offically done-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-ererer. Both of my demons have been banished from my mind and from my heart. One of them can still be a friend, one I can't wait for them to become nothing more than a distant memory. I know I am a silly, stupid, retarded, idiotic girl, but atleast I'm taking steps in the right direction.