The Jar of Imprisoning Magic.

There is a train.

It has been stationed for quite some time now.

But its about to get going again.

Now, in the back of this train,

The farthest corner in the caboose,

There is a jar.

This jar is filled with a deep dark sort of magic.

As all sorts of chaos is going through this train

As it prepares to leave the station,

The jar begins to get jostled.

The jar was thin to begin with.

But now its beginning to completely break.

A thin wisp of the magic,

Is traveling down the walkway of the train,

Heading for the conductor.

When it reaches the conductor,

It goes for her eyes, making her see things,

That will never happen.

It goes for her ears, making her hear things,

That will never be whispered.

It goes for fingertips, making her feel things,

That will never be touched.

It goes for her lips, making her taste things,

That will never be kissed.

The magic hasn't consumed her yet.

But she doesn't have much time.

It's slowing eating away at her sense of reality.

Soon, nothing will be real to her.

Not the chug of the engine.

Not the screech of the whistle.

Not the passengers.

Only the deep dark magic,

She tried to hide away.

Hey you.

I think I at least deserve some answers.

Your head is an encyclopedia that I can't open.

Its ridiculously infuriating.

Do you really want to be the cause of my insanity?

Because I need those answers soon.

My jar is fragile and I'm not sure how much longer it will hold.

And when it breaks, 

I'll need to be able to deal.

You are an asshole who has no respect for me.

You don't understand what's important to me do you?

I had been saving that.

Saving it from something special. 

But no, I have to get rid of it now.

All because you are an irresponsible asshole.

I really cared about that.

But you made me give it away.

For something that doesn't matter.

Is that how you want to live your life?

Trading things that mean something to someone, 

For something that makes your life a fraction easier,

Enables you to sit on your fat ass as much as possible?

I'm glad I'll be able to leave soon.

I can run away from you and never have to see you again.

I'd like that a lot.

The thought of never having to see your face again.

Oh, my life would be so much better.

And I wouldn't have to think about you, ever.

It would be like you don't exist. 

That would be heavenly.

The end of me seeing you.

It feels so far away.

But my head knows, 

I'll be away from you soon.

And on that day,

My heart will rejoice,

In leaving my demon behind.

Just so you know.

When I ignore you tomorrow, it wont be any different, will it? But there will be one difference. It will not be out of fear. I know longer fear anything you have to say, anything you might do, or how you might percieve me. Jeffrey Allen Grant, I'm no longer afraid of you. 

Fuck, who what when where or how, I just wanna know why.

Call me names.

Push me around.

Judge me.

Refuse to acknowledge me.

Break my heart.

Just tell me why first.

If your reason is good, 

Then I can cope.

I have a piece of truth to carry me.

Knowing why is my closure for everything nasty.

My dad got HPV.

My dad gave it to my mom.

My mom got cancer.

The cancer was caught late,

And was ultimatly untreatable.

It killed her.

And I know that. 

That is a comfort that helps me deal.

Things that I don't have a logical reason for?

They eat away at my soul.

It takes the tiniest nibble everyday.

But slowly, it makes a huge gaping hole.

Right in the very heart of me.

But Jennifer, isn't ignorance bliss?

No.

Ignorance is hell.

Knowledge is bliss.

And don't keep a reason from me.

Ever. 

Even if you think the reason will break me.

Because it wont hurt me, 

It will only make me stronger.

So if you know something, 

Lemme know, kays?

I need to know more to get beyond my history.

It does not do to dwell on the past and forget to live.

I'll admit, I modified a Dumbledore quote for that, but it rings true.

Help me escape my haunting memories.

Reno

Driving up the brown hils

Covered in sagebrush

Growing in between huge rocks

With downtown dimly glowing

Bright greens and reds

The bright yellow sun

Telling me to take off

My jacket soon

Baby quails 

Rush across the road

Trailing closely behind 

Their mother and father

The few trees

That are here

Give a wonderful

Cover from the sun

Sitting on a rock

Taking in all the

Natural beauty

But home doesn't

Mean Nevada 

To me

Splendid Spring

When it's warm

you don't need a jacket 

everyday

Kicking a soccer ball

and games of tag

and beautiful sunsets

with shades of orange scattered in the sky

Baby animals 

being born everywhere

drinking tea on the patio

atleast once a day

and light breezes

that tickles your cheek

Laying on a hammock

gazing upon twinkling stars

shining everywhere you look

always there 'till dawn breaks

A poem that Kathy wrote for me that I love.

Trips to the Zoo

We are the same person.
in more ways than one we act the same
live the same and talk the same, on occasions.

We live after things
that don’t know we live after and we seem to
over analyze things that need to be left alone.

Sometimes we try to hard
trying to find the artistic meaning of things
where there is no meaning at all.

We forget together
that we need to listen to the smooth voices
of songs that have already lived through this all.

We never stop our lives
not even to smell the roses on the bushes
that are trying to make us glance their ways.

We are busy
with Lions that have already forgotten that there are
things also chasing after them. Lions never look back.

We are content
to play at a Zoo where the animals aren't playful
and their snoring sounds mock our minds all the same.

Let us remember
that the roses on the bushes smell so much better
then the dirt at the zoo and sometimes, only sometimes

We can live for ourselves
instead of chasing after boys that have forgotten
what we were like to be around. 

Do you actually care? Because you're acting like an asshole.

I want to learn an instrument over the summer, Dad.

Clarinet? Sure.

No. I want to learn a strings intrument.

Which one?

Either cello or voila.

Why? 

They're both sound so pretty, and I want to start playing something again. I miss it.

Alright.

So I can get lessons?

No.

What? Why not?

Because you wouldn't be able to handle it.

Yes I could.

You want to take voice lessons, get yourself playing the piano again, and you want to learn to play the violin?

Viola. And yes.

Well, you can't do it so no.

What makes you think that I can't?

You're the laziest person on the planet.

I go to school. Its not like you have a job.

Warp 9 Data is my job, and you're flunking out of school.

Warp 9 isn't your job, its your plaything that makes you feel like you matter, and one bad grade isn't flunking out of school. 

I do matter, you are too lazy, and you are not going to get violin lessons, voice lessons, or any other lessons.

Viola. And do you even care?

I obviously do care, because I'm taking the time to argue with you about this.

No, I mean do you even care about me? Me being happy?

I obviously do, I haven't sent you off to live with Karen yet.

Yet? 

You're on your way there.

What did I do to piss you off this time?

Not just this time. You always act like a bitch.

Oh. Alright. Fine. 

Really? What the hell did I do to deserve this? All my life, there has been one major issue or another. The first day of my life, I had a major issue even. What did I do to earn being born without fully formed hips? What did I do to earn what happened to me when I was three? What did I do to earn parents who fought constantly? What did I do to earn being moved away from my life? What did I do to earn an assholeish pathetic excuse of a father? What did I do to earn a mom that got cancer and died? What did I do to earn a bad back? What did I do to earn headaches that stop me from being able to live my life? What did I do to have to leave my friends all over again? 

What the hell did I fucking do and how can I fix it? I do not want to live like this anymore. 

I'm sorry.

You, who brought me out of my shell

You, who understood me 

You, who introduced me to guitar

You, who still makes me dizzy

I am so sorry from every corner of my heart. (And all the places it pumps blood to, also.)

I'm really sorry and I hope this can be fixed.

Night #2

He steps up behind her and hugs her

"I thought you were choking"

She was clearly laughing

He slowly brushes her cheek with the back of his hand

"There was something on your cheek"

There wasn't anything there

She leaned up and kissed him

"Your lips looked cold"

Night #1

Her fingers are cold

He takes them in her hand

She accidentally stabs him with a fingernail

He pulls the blankets over his head to hide jokingly

She follows

He takes off her glasses

She snuggles up close and butterfly kisses his cheek

He smiles and eskimo kisses her

She giggles and kisses him

He kisses her more deeply 

She rests his hand on his chest

He pulls her closer with his arm around her waist

They fall asleep in bliss

musings of a choir concert.

the night is quiet

the audience is silent

the choir is still

music starts

melody flows

harmonies swelling

the piano is flawless

the voices are angelic

the music is phenomenal

seats are filled

risers overflowing

but one person's missing

hard work paid off

sagi is proud

the senors are crying

i am too

everyone stands by me

but you supported me most

i wish you could have been there

maybe you were

maybe one day i'll find out

if you were there

could you let me know?

i need to know if you really are proud of me

or if the family is just saying things

again

like always

because i miss you right now momma

as much as the day we put you in that cramped box

i can only imagine how much you hate it there

you were always claustrophobic

that used to make me giggle 

now i die a little inside

that your trapped in a dark place

that makes you hyperventilate

and feel generally uncomfortable

i'm getting a letter from you soon

i look forward to that every year

will your message be in there?

i hope so

but i wont really know how you felt about May 9th

until i get put in a box too