im in a new york state of mind

not a lover
barely a friend
you're just a state of mind
sailing through the wind
touching nothing real
only your heavy heart is
substantial
seek a body
rest your soul
find an honest smile
baskets of love
mailed to your door
only to find no house
are you set on your cave forever?
stop planting pretty flowers outside its mouth
you're catching all the bunnies
and they think they're getting homes
be a lover
be a friend
or stop planting your flowers

change

i've changed recently. i didn't know where it was going or what i was doing. but now i do. i know where i want to go with who i am and who i want to be. and im going to make it happen. before, i knew i wanted to be different, i just didn't know what kind of different. but i have it all figured out. and i'm not even really going to be changing. i'm simply going to be taking myself and dusting and polishing. im so excited. im excited about life.

make-up

i finally figured out cat eye eyeliner! :)
i feel like a ho-bag but i really want to wear this like everyday.
but this is what i do when its midnight and im sick all the time

chemicals

i have no idea if there is any norepinephrine in my system.

mreh

i feel like i don't have time to do anything anymore. i always have something to do, and then 20 more things that i dont have time to get to that just keep adding up. and its stressing me out. i need free time to just compress. even watching tv while we eat dinner is pausing every 3 seconds to be like "dont let me forget to do x, y, and z because ... " and i haven't been relaxing ever all week; my brain is stuck in the on position. and i've started going way the hell too far working out. i dont eat before i go. and i hit my stopping point, and then i say to myself okay, one more time at least and its not even helping me get stronger, because i'm not eating right. im still eating, just not with proper timing. and swing isn't helping. when greg can't lift me enough for tricks, i feel like i'm a million pounds. and when i try to talk to my dad about how im feeling, he just looks me over one and says "yeah, you could lose a few more pounds." and that's killing me. unless he's being an ass and the cause of my problems, i can always talk to him about most everything and it makes me feel so much better about it afterwards. but he's making this worse, and i can't handle it. i feel my stomach and when i can feel rib, i think whoa, this is bad. and then i get in front of a mirror and all i see is fat. which just makes me work out more. i also work out so hard, i think, because i want to feel something. when i'm done, and i feel sore and my heart is pounding i have a physical gratification of what i've done. i feel it. nothing else gives me that gratification. it also numbs out my head. i get too tired to think. the only problem is i feel like shit after that goes away. all of my muscles hurt and my bruises from swing aren't healing and i wake up exhausted everyday. each morning, i look at my clock and then i squeeze my eyes shut and wish as hard as i can that dad will come in and tell me that something happened to close school for the day so i can sleep until morning the next day and see if i'd feel better then. and being so busy and weight/exercise obsessed is totally emotionally shutting me down. my heart has retracted from my sleeves back up to wherever its hiding, because im so nonchalant about what's been happening recently its freaking me out. any other time i'd be obsessing over whats happening and writing in my notebook constantly and just consumed with it. but instead of creating these scenarios in my head where he totally flips a 180 and tells me how much he wants to be with me, i'm just like whatever. if he figures out his shit and i'm the conclusion, cool. if not, big fuck. and i guess thats good because im not going to end up heartbroken, but i'm not liking being heartless. with a broken heart at least i still knew i had my humanity. and i don't know whats happening with my friendships right now. and aunt karen can't be happy with me. and i'm terrified that i'm going to suck ass at acting and that i wont get my shit together for singing soprano 2 because for some reason i just can't get the part down. its bad. to the point where girls with 0 musical experience are like looking at me like what the fuck are you doing that's nowhere near the part. and this is all so confusing because i'm like, losing everything that makes me me and that's scary and upsetting but at the same time i'm really pleased that i'm being productive and getting my homework all done and not just sitting around doing nothing 24/7. blech. i'm going to stop bitching and just wait until i have the 3 day weekend to dwell on this crap.

Freak

Im like flippin' losing it. It was a regular, normal day. Justin was over and we were hanging out, then I went to the gym and did my training session. No bigs. Totally chill, good day. Then I got on an elliptical to do my cardio, and I guess one of my strings broke. I had been on the machine for like 40 minutes and I just wanted to keep going. I did not want to stop. 10 minutes later my trainer came out and told me to go home. And now I'm like, totally bugging out and anxious and I just want to keep exercising. I seriously just need to keep moving. My legs are bouncing right now. Dad won't let me go run at Water Dog because its dark out. But like, I didn't even cart ride at Safeway and I haven't put my thoughts on paper in like, over a month. I don't know whats happening to me right now.