Sick Of Hiding.

Okay. That's it. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep hiding the fact that I don't have it together at all. I can't keep pretending that I'm not being torn apart watching the guy I've been wondering about for a few weeks shy of a year go after some other girl and tell me about it. I can't stand the fact that the boy who's had my heart for a year decided that he didn't fancy my heart anymore and that he went for another girl four days later. I can't stand the fact that I lost him because I was too much of a coward to tell him what my issues were with us so we could work it out and it actually led him to the other girl. So....one guy I lost, I lost because I fell for another guy and forgot about him for a few months and the other guy I lost because of my insecurities and my cowardice. I hate how I want to wear the cute dress that I got to school tomorrow, but I wont do it because I'm afraid of what my friends will say. I hate how I've hid this for so long, telling people bits and pieces of my insanity, but never the whole, entire, pathetic story. I hate how my past follows me. I hate how when ever I want to talk about my mom, I can't unless its 4-5 on Friday. I hate how the one person who knows me the most is the person that I can't handle talking to anymore. I hate how I can't hate the people who screw me over and intentionally hurt me for their own benefits. I hate how I'm ranting right now instead of staying strong and keeping it together like I'm okay. I hate how I'm so insecure. I hate how I need people around me to be happy. I hate how the one thing I've actually followed through with, was one of the biggest things thrown back into my face. I hate how I feel like I had my childhood taken from me. I hate how I feel guilty about everything, even when I know my reactions and feelings are normal. I hate how I have low self-esteem while being very vain at the same time. I hate how I thought getting bangs would help me get over him, like I was being this super-tough rebel by cutting my hair because he used to like it so much. I hate how I can't stand being in the same room with him, but when I'm not around him, I want to be around him. I hate how I can't be supportive enough of my friends. I hate how I can listen to Kathy cry over the phone telling me things she hasn't told anyone else and all I can think is Well, it is your fault, idiot.  I hate how I blame other people for my faults. I hate how I can't live a normal life because of my body and all of its medical issues. I hate how I let my past haunt me all the time. I hate how smart I am in my head, but when I try to talk I sound like a retard and say stuff like 'face forehead'. I hate how I can watching things fall apart and land on me and just sit there and say 'Someone else will take care of this'. I hate how I can't say what I really want to say to people's faces, I have to hide behind technology. I hate how I'm crying right now. I hate how I can be so angry and not know what I'm angry at. I hate how I can be perfectly content, then in an emotional torrent losing my mind in front of my keyboard. I hate how quirky I can bend my morals to make a person happy, even if I'm happy too, I should stick to my principles. I hate how I put all of my hope into the future and think that it will be better when I'm older. I hate how I can't seem to do anything right. I hate that when I was beginning my sentences with 'I can't stand that...' it reminded me of The Difference Between Jenny & Ginny. I hate that I'm a different person when I'm around the guy that likes someone else (non-pencil guy). I hate how I completely changed as a person, just because my boyfriend wanted me to. I hate how I actually tell myself that I can do things like get into Chamber or make it on American Idol. I hate how American Idol was a fun thing to talk about until him and then it became this real thing, an actual goal. I hate how I am still planning on keeping my promise to him about auditioning when I turn 16 for the show. I hate how gross my voice is. I hate how easy it is for me to lie, for me to manipulate. I hate how I hardly ever feel bad when I lie or manipulate. I hate how I don't even think of my mom as my mom anymore. She's just some nice lady from a dream I had a long time ago. I hate how my friends will know my biggest secret and part of my second biggest. While another friend knows all of my second biggest secret and part of my first. And how he knows all of it. I hate how I can't be nice to people when they're being idiots. I hate how I can't wake up in the morning to save my life. I hate how hard it is for me to go to sleep. I hate how when I'm trying to fall asleep, both of them are in my head. I can't even pick one side of insanity. I hate how when I try to get out of bed in the morning, they're what get me up. I hate how much I love love. And I hate how much I hate hate, when sometimes hate has virtues and love has vices. I hate how I just quoted one of Jeff's songs. I hate how I'm brain dumping this on a motherfreaking blog. I hate how my friends will try to help me. I hate how I'll act like I'm okay when they try to help me but it will all just be more lies. I hate how things like skydiving look thrilling, and how going to bed with out a bra is terrifying. I hate how I have a therapist and I can't even tell her everything. I hate how the one person that I completely trusted body and soul with everything about me, simply turned his back and walked away one day. I hate how I expected myself to get over him on day number four because he was with someone else. I hate how much I hated myself for having feelings for him while he was going out with someone else. I hate how I wanted them to break up and have him come back to me, but when I hear that they've broken up my first instinct is to comfort him and tell him she'll change her mind and everything will be okay again. I hate how I can't pick one side of crazy about anything, I say...Hmmm. I'm going from point A to point B. There's three ways to get from A to B: Sane, Crazy 1, and Crazy 2 and I throw away the map of the sane way and hop around from Crazy 1 to Crazy 2 never actually get to B because I'll turn around sometimes, or just stop for a while, or maybe I'll even run around in circles for a week straight. I hate how I have no control over my own mind. I hate how quickly memories fade in my brain. Woah, this happened a long time ago. Better chuck it is how my brain works. I hate how after he dumps me, I still continue to invest all of my self worth into his hands whether I want to or not. I hate how right now at 11:11 I'm wishing for him. I hate how I allowed myself to reminisce so much this past week. I hate how tired I am when I used to stay up until 3 on a school night. I hate how I'm just going to randomly stop ranting right now without finishing because I'm tired.