OMG!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT THE STANFORD CHOIR INVITATIONAL WAS AMAZING AND I CRIED AND I WANT TO HAVE CHAMER CHOIR'S BABIES AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH AND THAT WAS WITHOUT A DOUBT THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE I WANT TO LIVE THAT MOMENT ON REPEAT OMG THAT WAS SO EPIC OH MI GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I don't wanna be your re-run.

I love you when you're serious.
That's for sure.
I love you when you're funny.
Not always.
I want to get closer to you,
But I'm afraid I'll become annoyed with your antics
And if that happens, I'll be her all over again.
I don't want that for us.
I really don't know what to do about you.
I would use my Boy Handbook,
But that handbook is your brain for me.
I'm scared, scared, scared.
This awkward tension has to go somewhere eventually.
Has it already gone somewhere without us realizing?
We already kinda act like we're in the beginning stages of being together.
I'm not even sure if that's what I want.
I really wish I could talk to you about this.
You'd probably tell me to do what feels right.
But I don't even know what would feel right.
I want for you to explain to me what I should do about this.
I'm so lost.

Draw me a map.

Beauty

One day im going to make something beautiful. I'm sure of it.

Once I figure out what my beautiful thing is supposed to be, nothing will stop me.

There is beauty in me, I will find it and share it some day.

My head

hurts like a fucking bitch and i want to scoop my brains out and through them away. because i'm pretty sure i'd be in less pain in that situation. i think i yelled too much playing video games. haha.

Feet

Hello, Feet.
Nice to see you again.
How long has it been since I've seen you?
Its been 6 years?
That's far too long!
I mean no offense, but I'm glad you're under me again.
Its so much nicer than running balanceless.
And its a million times nicer than being flat on my ass.
Well, I sincerely hope that our time apart has not diminished our relationship.
Glad to see you again.

I really hope you're planning on sticking around.
Because I'm not giving you much choice on the matter.
Oh, and we're going for a run tomorrow.
And then we're going dancing.
Buck up, lads. We've got six years to catch up on.
Lets go.
I'm in control now.
You're my bitch; I'm your pimp.
That's how it should have been this whole time.
Don't think I'm letting you loose ever again.

Suck it up, its game time.
-Jennifer

Pathways

We had a good go.
It was fun.
Life changing even.
But you went your way.
And I'm
Trying
To go mine.
Follow my own pathway,
Finally stop looking back.
Freedom.

BAM!

Something at my feet.
A postcard.
"LOOKIT!
I'M COOL NOW!
ADMIRE ME, DAMMIT!
LOOOOOOKIT!"
you are so cool.
you always were.
you're so amazing and talented.
i miss spending time with you.
i would admire you if we did.
i miss you!
Time passes.
Move past the postcard and
Forget.
Carry on.
Feel alright.

BAM!
"LOOOOOOKIT!
I'M EVEN COOLER THAN BEFORE.
BOW DOWN TO MY AWESOME POWER OF AWESOMENESS.
LOOOOOOOOOOOKIT ME!!!!!"
well, this is weird...
but he's always been that cool.
he just never saw it himself.
wow. i guess i still miss him.
Shaken.
But fine.
Continue
Walking down my path.

BAM!
"LOOOOKIT ME!
I CAN BE COOL DOING WHAT YOU DO TO BE COOL.
I'M SO MULTI-TALENTED AND AMAZING.
I'M PRETTY SURE YOU AGREE.
NO, I'M NOT PRETTY SURE.
I'M CONVINCED YOU AGREE.
SO I FEEL NO NEED AT ALL TO ASK YOUR OPINION
BECAUSE I KNOW I'M SO COOL
YOU'LL JUST SCREAM
'YES, OH GOD! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!'
AS YOU JIZZ YOURSELF.
MM HMM. THAT'S WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.
I DON'T NEED TO ASK ANYMORE.
SEEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
LOOOOOKIT ME?
THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD
LOOOOOOOOKIT MEEEE!!!!!"
really?
wow.
wow.
wow.
this is getting weird.


BAM!
"LOOOOOKIT!
I'VE STARTED A NEW FORM OF MEDIA,
BUT I CAN STILL KEEP UP WITH MY OLD ONE.
I ROCK. NO, I ROCK ASS.
SEE HOW TALENTED I AM?
MY FIRST TALENT HASN'T GONE AWAY AT ALL
JUST BECAUSE I'VE STARTED BEING TALENTED ELSEWHERE.
I'M SOOOOOOOOO EFFING COOOOL.
I'M SO COOL I WANT TO RUN TO A ROOF AND YELL TO THE WORLD
'LOOOOOOOOOOOKIT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!'
BUT I WONT.
BECAUSE THAT WOULD HURT MY VOICE.
AND THEN I'D BE A LITTLE LESS COOL.
AND I WANT TO KEEP BEING AS COOL AS POSSIBLE
SO I WONT DO THAT.
SO I CAN STAY COOL."
...




"You go your way and I'll go mine"
That's the old adage.
We had a deal.
You can't say goodbye, and then walk the same way.
That's the number one way to break the deal.
Just ask Demetri.
But honestly,
You went your way.
I'm exhausted.
I want to go mine.
All I want is to go my way.
And be done with this.
So let me.
For the love of God, let me.

I'll even give you a little hint at being cool:
Hipsters are 'in the moment' people.
Stop dredging up your past.
It'll shake your cool.

So go be cool,
And let me be content
With my evenings with tea and Ms. Austen.

Point made.
I get it.
Just stop.

Coincidence?

Wore the earrings,
Got a baby ear infection.
I do believe that's called irony, kiddies.

Feelin' Good

Had a breakdown about choir.
Had a breakdown about the fact that my guitar wont hold a tune, because normally playing is how I calm down.

Had a breakdown about not having a viola to use in place of my guitar.

Had a breakdown about the email that wound up in my inbox.
Had a breakdown about having a breakdown.

Cool Kid talked me through it and not only brought be back, he got me a little more sane than I was before.
Dad brought home a girl without any warning whatsoever - I'm still good.
She's annoying as hell and went into my room for no reason (my door was even closed) and now she's telling me how to bake from the living room - I'm still good.

I guess things work out when a person who's all kinds of crazy becomes good friends with a person who can be rational through all kinds of problems. I'm not entirely sure how the Ginny/Troy insanity dynamic is playing out, but there's one thing about it I know: I'm feelin' good.

Poop

-Guilty pleasure
Sir Gaga


-Something that inspires you
Indie photography, Music. Poetry.

-The five songs you would have with you on a desert island and why

1. Sleep as performed by Chamber Choir (so i could get to sleep)
2. Snakes on a Place by Cobra Starship (so i could stay pumped to keep myself alive)
3. Stand By Me by Ben E King. (so i could remember to love)
4. The Gilligan's Island intro song (a must-have on a desert island)
5. La Vie Boheme (i'd have enough time to sit down and learn 100% of the words)

-What you imagine paradise to be like
A bookstore with an attached garden with hammocks to read in with a section of the garden isolated for meditation

-A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life
Mr. Grant, thank you for giving me that solo in the winter concert when I was in the 4th grade and giving me the encouragement to actually accept it when I was too afraid to. You taught me that music was something I could - and should do. It forever changed every aspect of my life. 
Thank you.

-Earliest thing you can remember
Hiding the pantry while playing Hide 'n' Seek so I could eat cookies while someone came to find me.


-Favorite cover of your favorite song
That jazzy chick that John sent me a video of singing Stand By Me.

-Someone you think would make a good president
Sue Sylvester. duh.

-Five things you want to see change

1. I want people to hate less and love more.
2. I want people to be accepted for their sexual orientations.
3. I want the world to be a place where people can follow their dreams without society telling them that it's a bad and irresponsible thing.
4. I want people to communicate better amongst each other.
5. I want "each other" to be one word.

-A dream you had this past week described in detail
All I remember is that I owned an intergalactic coffee shop and Legolas was a regular customer.
 -Favorite picture ever taken of yourself
The picture I took of myself just after I got my second hamster, Spunky, because my face was all messed up and awkward and it completely captures my personality at the time.

-Your favorite musical artist’s life story
Emmy Rossum.

-A memory that never fails to make you laugh
The party we had in our hotel room on the Ralston tour jamming to our renditions of Joe's solo.

-Best mashup you’ve ever heard
Confessions/Its My Life - The Glee Boys 
DUH

-A moment, phrase, or song that has changed your life the most. 
Its a toss up between my mom telling me she had cancer, and the song Come Together by the Beatles.

-Something that you want to do within the next five years.
Write a good song.

-What you want to be remembered for.
For loving like crazy.

-A picture that makes you feel
The picture of my mom from when she was 11.

-A passage from a book that has touched you
"The town was paper, but the memories were not." John Green, Paper Towns


"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. ... You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present." John Green, Looking for Alaska


"What is the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?"  John Green, An Abundance of Katherines


"What is an "instant" death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous."  Looking for Alaska


"When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out."  Paper Towns


"You know your problem, Quentin? You keep expecting people not to be themselves. I mean, I could hate you for being massively unpunctual and for never being interested in anything other than Margo Roth Spiegelman, and for, like, never asking me about how it's going with my girlfriend - but I don't give a shit, man, because you're you. My parents have a shit ton of black Santas, but that's okay. They're them. I'm too obsessed with a reference website to answer my phone sometimes when my friends call, or my girlfriend. That's okay, too. That's me. You like me anyway. And I like you. You're funny, and you're smart, and you may show up late, but you always show up eventually." Paper Towns


"...because you're only thinking they-might-not-like-me-they-might-not-like-me, and guess what? When you act like that, no one likes you."  Katherines


"It is so hard to leave - until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world."  Paper Towns


"It is easy to forget how full the world is of people, full to bursting, and each of them imaginable and consistently misimagined."  Paper Towns


-A band that you immediately liked and the song that made you like them
The Beatles - Come Together

-Your favorite medium of art.
Words

-Someone you would give your life up for without question.
I would trade my life for my mom's in a second if I could.

-Most awkward first impression you feel you’ve ever given
My birth. That was a crazy ride.

-Something you did as a child that other people remember you for.
In Reno, I'm remembered for my extreme involvement in the music program.

-Something you would do if no one stopped you or if you knew you wouldn’t fail.
I don't really have an answer anymore.

-Your definition of love.
Love is feeling your heart race at the speed of light because they're in the same room as you, and having a smile be put on your face everytime you hear their voice. Its going to bed thinking about them, seeing them in your dreams, then having them be the first thing on your mind after you wake up. Its being totally pissed at them, but still wanting to grow old with them. Its sticking by them no matter what, and caring for them unconditionally. 

-Your definition of the meaning of life.
Following your heart, your dreams, and your passions.

-A moment you remember being completely happy in and a description of why you believe you were. what is your definition of happiness?
I was putting a glow-in-the-dark puzzle of a wizard together with my mom. We were drinking berry flavored mineral water (her favorite) and every time we would get a piece placed correctly, we would scream outrageous Tarzan war cries. We stayed there for 4 hours finishing the puzzle and then another hour moving it into my bathroom so we could it get all glowy. We didn't realize we had spent all day working on it. I remember not worrying about anything during one of the most worrisome times of my life and not wanting the day to end. That's why I think I was so happy. I was carefree and wishing for time to stop.

-What you live for.
Love.

-Ways you believe you have grown over the past thirty days.
I've regressed to a dark place, and realized where I went and made a gameplan to get out of that dark place. That's as far as I've gotten so far.

Yo, Anon?

You wish you could do what now?

Me

So I started a list after Sarah told me to and it turned out like this:

• brown hair
• dark green eyes
• loves music
• loves love
• reads about yoga, but doesnt actually do it, no matter how much she tells herself she will
• hates country music
• has an obsession with fingernails, so she always keeps them painted so as to not distract herself
• has an extreme desire to perform on Broadway as Belle even though she knows she doesn't have what it takes
• writes songs
• hates every song she writes
• writes random-ass poetry when she's really upset
• fixes other people's problems instead of her own
• lives in the past
• oppressed girly-girl
• weird/amusing laugh
• fine with how her body looks - just not how it functions
• would be an OCD-like organized freak if she had the ability to kick herself in the ass
• tired all the time
• can't think when tired
• hates sleeping alone (cats count towards not being alone)
• addicted to tea
• bright smile
• loves to help people

And I'm not too happy with how it came out. But I was cleaning my room today, and I started going through all the old notebooks I brought back from Reno but never went through I found a few things. A few things I needed to find a few months ago.

• Pretty hair color
• Nice, thick hair
• Pretty eye color in the sunlight
• Fairly long eyelashes
• Full lips
• Straight teeth
• Long legs
• Delicate skin tone
• Smart
• Clever
• Funny
• Modest
• Compassionate
• Puts others first
• Trustworthy
• Kind
• Good at singing
• Good memory for little details
• Good writer
• Vocabulant
• Creative
• Imaginative
• Can help others think through situations
• Fun
• Dedicated

If I had found this a while ago, it would have been a nice reminder. Now its a nice reality check. I'm not a lot of these things anymore. I've lost most of my good qualities. I was trying to find me by learning about myself. But I've lost who I am, so that wasn't working. I needed to be looking at who I was before and trying to figure out how to get back to being the Ginny that everyone knew and loved. I need to get back to being me.

I've also found a list of promises I made to myself. I'm re-promising them to myself and I'm listing them here.

I promise:

-To shower every morning 

-To never skip my skin routine

-To never leave the house without sunblock on

-To say 5 good things about myself every morning

-To eat well, exercise, and to be kind to my body (no more nutella binges)

-To spent at least 10 with Rusty where he was my full attention every day

-To sing my heart out every day

-To compliment 2 people a day - and mean it

-To To be kind to everybody and to try and find nice to say about someone when someone else says something mean about them

-To reflect on my day every night and try to learn from it

-To do my homework right after school

-To never put myself down unnecessarily - verbally and mentally

-To keep my room and bathroom uncluttered so my brain doesn't get that way either

-To write 5 times a week to work towards becoming a better writer

-To actually call people on their birthdays

-To celebrate my girly-girl side and not hide it

-To "make wise choices"

-To also help my friends become better people

And above all:

-To love unconditionally 8 days a week

How am I for corny? 

But hey, it works.

Comprehension

I don't understand you, your motives, your ideals, or your thoughts.
I've given up on figuring them out.

You began as a mystery to me, and you'll end as mystery.

I guess that's karma telling me that I can't have everything that I want. I want to figure you out the most, and I know you the least.

I don't have what I want...when do I get what I need?
What do I need? I have no idea.