Lately, I've been really proud of myself for doing better. For having more emotional health. For really starting to take care of myself. But now I'm just starting to realized how little I've actually done and how much farther I have to go. The voice in my head is saying:
"You stood up? Oh, good for you. Go run the marathon, bitch."
I'm trying to calm down and be nice to myself, but to be honest, I'm terrified and being mean to myself is simply easier. But I really want to choose what is right over what is easy. Just like Cedric and Harry. With my personality though, I'm either nice to myself and get nothing done or I'm horrid to myself but convince myself that its helping and I'm making progress by emotionally torturing myself. Sometimes I accidentally fall into this perfectly balanced emotionally, accomplish everything, go-getter version of myself but I get so tired so quickly because if I stop doing that for one second to rest, I can't pick it back up. And I suppose that would be alright if I could bounce back and forth between being a lard-ass and a maniac to stay balanced and accomplished without killing myself, but I can't. I don't know how to provoke myself into getting anything done.
I'm young and need guidance, but I'm too old and pigheaded to seek or accept it.
"Take a good look at yourself and know
ReplyDeleteYou've got yourself a ways to go.
But difficult is not impossible
You can take back all the lost control.
Take a good look at yourself and see
That you'll emerge eventually.
As long as your hearts not too far gone
From the only thing that can save you from yourself....
with every passing second comes a second chance" :)