Parkour

I JUST FUCKING FREE RAN LIKE A MOTHER FREAKING NINJA THROUGH OUR STORAGE INSTEAD OF MOVING BOXES. IT WAS THE MOST BAD-ASS THING I'VE EVER DONE. I AM SUCH A CHAMPION.

PRAISE THE WARRIOR!!

no one saw it happen though. :(

VIVA PINATA!

CHRISTINE I REALLY WANT TO PLAY RIGHT NOW BUT YOU EFFING HAVE MY DS.
LETS DO BATTLE. THIS MEANS WAR.

COME AT ME, BRO.

cold

feel the fever rising
sit in the ice water
get to normal
don't know to get out
and keep the fever down
all that's felt is frostbite

magnetism

i do what swiffer wishes it could do to dust with this stuff.
maybe its my life's purpose:
to help other people deal with life

Burn

burning
burning
burning
burning up?
burning down?
down
burning down
going down
all the way?
wait and see
locked in the house
smoke's getting thick
more than a window
open the door
let it walk on out
walk on in
step right up
knock over the milk bottle
with a ping pong ball
blindfolded
in the dark
no use for a map
in the black hole
where are you going?
know one knows
oh but you are going to
burn
burn
burn
burn down
your pretty little house
come dance
naked
in the flowers
spring is coming
you know what to do

Maternity

Christine's right. I do have a weird capacity for this stuff.
Am I too nice?

Soft Implications

Crepes With blueberry sauce

In You r cozy little kitchen

The By window over the garden

Mornings My friends 

Would Side with the young

Be My laugher my light

More Darling memories to love

Delicious Dear might i have your recipe?

if its on tumblr it might as well end up here too.

So......

I was wrong. My heart didn't start beating at the opening. I wasn't excited at all. I was having a lot of fun, but there wasn't that feeling of excitement. It could have been any epic movie.

Until Dobby apparates everyone back to Shell Cottage.

He was so tiny and frail, with his big doe-y eyes gone so sleepy, it was horrifyingly reminiscent of my mom in her final days. That obviously got me crying. Then, it hit me again that Mom, who loved the books so much, didn't live to see the 7th book. Something she enjoyed so much went unfinished for her. That's cruel.
But that tiny, helpless frame of a body looking at you with huge eyes, struggling for the air to speak will haunt me forever. There's no running from it. Its now a part of who I am. Always.

Freaky

Its really freaky that the beginning to the end of an era for me - the reason I had a shred of sanity to cultivate back into my humanity - has yet to elicit a legitimate emotional reaction for me. I should have been pissing my pants all week. I would say I'm distracted, but that's not the issue. It simply hasn't gotten a rise out of me. Harry Potter was the light of my childhood and the blood and oxygen of my tweens. I don't understand my apathy.

Ah, maybe my heart will race when the lights in the theater dim. I'll get back to you in a few hours.

Waiting for a name. lol.

we opened our skulls
and a felt so dull
compared to vivid dancing
oh so entrancing
am i substantial?       [is this stanza total crap? i can't decide]

don't cry
don't cry
just look at the sky
and wait for the rain to come
the sweet sensation
will build you a nation
transcribed only for your pleasure

like victorian wives
our hearts reside
inside of glass cases
never for love, only for faces
who would want a pulse?

don't cry

don't cry

just look at the sky

and wait for the rain to come

the sweet sensation

will build you a nation

transcribed only for your pleasure

please have no fear

and love will appear

to consume you in conflagration

you mustn't live in stagnation

why is beauty so frightening?

don't cry

don't cry

just look at the sky

and wait for the rain to come

the sweet sensation

will build you a nation

transcribed only for your pleasure

transcribed only for your pleasure

transcribed only for your pleasure

Books

Whenever I finish reading a book, I typically get one of two feelings. I either feel warm like I've made a new best friend, or I feel lost like I've been promised a soul mate that's not in stock anymore. But like today, sometimes a rare third comes into play. I feel empty. Like all of my innards have been scooped out, and now there's room for all sorts of things like kangaroos or toaster ovens. As if the story was my own and my tale, my life, has ended with the last turn of the page. I do not weep, I do not mourn. I am a temporary shadow, waiting for the loving touch of sleep to fluff mass back into my body.

End The Hate

There are many men in my life that are amazing people. I hold them very dearly to me.
If anyone tried to hurt one of my men,

I will fucking take them down. 

Brainwave Music

So my brain is pulling bits of songs into one big thing right now that's pretty much this:

On my own, I'm gonna be wounded. Oh, you're gonna be my bruise. Haven't you heard the word how I want you?  Isn't it madness he wont be mine? What I'm feeling now has no easy explanation, reason plays no part. I don't know why I can't think of anything I would rather do than be wasting my time on mountains with you. But there are dreams that cannot be. Without me, his world would go on turning. There is no future, there is no past. I love him, but only on my own. Now life has killed the dream I dream. No sleep in Heaven or Bethlehem. Its the bitch of living. You're totally fucked. Turn around and face your fate: an eternity of this before your eyes. Heaven help my heart.

musicals live in my brain like cancer.

Save the Music 2010 Highlights

OOTB - Trashin The Camp

(totally amazing)

Chamber - In The Heights (Part 1)

(kick ass)

Chamber - In The Heights (Part 2)

(super kick ass)

Lady in purple with receding hair line dancing 

(soooo funny)

(DAAAANNNNCEEEEE!!!!!!!!)

(ewwwwwww. i sound like crap with a sore throat. sorry)

...

i'm so tired.
i'm so down.
but i won't sleep.
i refuse to frown.

bruises and wounds.

crash and burn

will it happen

can i have my turn

i tripped
i fell.
but i
i hope all can well.

ggggggggggggggggggggggggg

im so happy. he's so amazing. but i'm scared. im terrified. i'm in the process of being chill about it. but its so glued to my mind. and external forces are making me so angry. and i'm paranoid. and i'm a piping hot bowl of crazy.

but he's so sweet.
and so funny.
and so kind.
and so smart.
and so talented.
and smells so good.
and is so comfy, and no doubt snuggly.

and i have no chance.

Do You Believe In Magic?

I don't know how many of you are religious and to what extent. I, myself, am obviously not too religious. But I do believe in karma, that the universe has control over what happens in some instances, and that nothing is a coincidence. I was just stressing over an issue and thinking about something I'd like to happen. To calm down I wrote in my new notebook that is entirely letters to my mother. I explained my problem to her, and I ended the letter in the same way that I always do. "Please send me a sign."

About 3 minutes later I had KT Tunstall's Someday Soon stuck in my head.

I didn't think any thing of it. I just continued to sing it while I folded my laundry and talked to my dad. I hit the chorus of the song and as soon as I sang the words "someday soon" I made the connection in my head. A split second later I began to sing:

Do you believe in magic 

In a young girls heart?

How the music can free her

Whenever it starts

And I was "freed". I have no worries about my problem anymore. I strong, albeit blind, belief that everything's going to resolve in a good way. I believe this will end up with me being very very happy. 

All thanks to Mommy.

LOL

• Learn 5 new jazz standards
• Write 5 songs 
• Like at least one of them
• Finish Drivers Ed
• Get my permit
• Spend some time with Troy
• Get as close to TJ as I am with Ash
• Get a snap pea from my snap pea plants
• Decorate my room
• Have a talk with and forgive my Grandma
• Learn 10 new songs on the piano
• Try new baking recipes 
• Get in better shape

I haven't done anything that takes effort. haha.

Sleep

Dated back from 11/10/09. yikes!

Sleep:
My simple joy in life.
Its not that I'm away from the world.
Its not that I'm warm and comfy.
Its not that my cat stays close and purrs.
Those are all great things,
But there is something even better.
I get to see you.
You live in my dreams.
Sometimes a lover.
Sometimes a friend.
Sometimes a menace.
Sometimes just simply there.
No matter what torment my dreams bring
You are always there to carry me through
And thats why my sleep is so sweet.

When I say I'm tired,
Its not that I need to sleep.
I simply wish to.
Because whilst awake
You are a friend who is unsure of me
But in my sleep
You are a best friend who loves as deeply as I do.
When I say I'm tired.
I do not wish for a bed.
I wish for a kiss.

Surrounded

I am dying to be alone right now. Normally at home, I'm invisible. I love that. Now, I'm constantly being pushed into being a third-wheel so Janet and I can get to know each other better. I have to follow them around with their stupid awkward conversations and I have to sit through all of the lies. "Oh, no. I hate pizza. I never eat it." "I love old movies!" No, Dad. You love pizza. You'd eat it as often as your shrinking brain would let you forget that every time you eat it, you get a massive stomach ache. You don't like old movies. You can't like them. You've never stayed awake long enough to see an entire one. The plots are too slow for your explosion-craving americanized brain. I'm so sick of constantly being surrounded by people. Especially when I'm being a lame-ass third wheel. I want to be alone.

Who I Am

Hello. 

My name is Jennifer Michael. But that's not what people call me. I'm called a plethora of things in day to day life: Ginny, Jen, Jennifer, Mikey, and sometimes even Jenny by Christine's father interrogating me on what I plan to do with my life, or sometimes even an especially concerned Christine herself. I do that a lot, concern people. Not far off into the future though, I image all of their concern for me will be used up. I'm an emotional masochist and I feed off of guidance and care. Self-help books are like crack to me. Obviously, my need for emotional pain and my need for care are connected, I'm just not sure which is a product of the other. Perhaps, I'm craving the maternal support that I don't have anymore so I hurt myself to seek that kind of affection. Maybe I'm just afraid that it would be to selfish to go up to say, Brenda, and be all "Hey, I need a motherly figure and you're a really strong woman and a good mother. Will you be my mommy?" I have this innate fear of being selfish and not hurting others, but that's pretty much all I do. I'm a wave of destruction; I am Draco, causing pain because I'm too prideful to admit that I need and crave protection. What's completely odd though, is that despite my desperate longing for love, I have major intimacy issues. I didn't realize it until a few days ago, but it's clear that I've had intimacy issues for years and years.  If I had known that before, maybe I could have fixed problems with Jeff, or even saved us both the trouble from the start. I'm the epitome of hypocrisy. I seek for and speak the bohemian way of love and beauty everywhere, being vulnerable and open to everyone, simply being free. I consider myself an open book, ask my a question and it will be answered honestly and completely 99% of the time. But that's all just words. To quote Shangnon, words are basically empty vessels that we use to carry human emotion. Vessels. Empty containers waiting to be filled. And I don't fill them. I ship them out with nothing to carry. Actions though, essentially always have meaning. That's where my issues lie. Confess you love me, I'll be thrilled. Get me alone and try to kiss me to show your love? I'll freak out. I wont show it, but oh, it will feel like spiders crawling along my body. I'll still be happy, but it will be a happy that I inject myself with. I'll genuinely feel the elation, it just wont have occurred naturally. And this totally sucks, because it is rooted to my core, that to feel that I have truly lived my life to the fullest, I will have needed to give myself to someone completely. I'm setting myself up for a miserable unsatisfied future. I'm so worried that this will stop me from having a normal relationship, instead of one where everything was simply words. I hit the closest thing I think that I can come to in regards to love and I believe it could happen again, but I and certainly the guy deserve more than that.Real love is possible. I truly believe that in every cell in my body. I'm just very uncertain that I'll be able to reach that point. It kills me. Its actually one of my favorite ways to hurt myself emotionally. It definitely ironic that love, the one thing I'm totally obsessed with, is the one thing that is unobtainable to me. I am so self-destructive. Its crazy, and stupid, and totally and utterly disappointing. My mom was the closest thing that I can think of to living perfection. She did it all: had a successful career that she loved, was a loving wife, was an impeccable mother, was a caring and compassionate friend, was close to her entire family and kept the peace, was very intelligent and talented, was humble and always acknowledged those who helped her, was an incredible cook and loved to share her amazing food with loved ones, and was gorgeous and had incredible taste in shoes. In short, she was amazing and perfect. She invested so much in me. And I've practically thrown it all away. After she died, my Aunt Debbie in a loving heartfelt moment, confessed that my mom has asked her worriedly, "Do you think that I've instilled enough in Jennifer? Have I taught her enough?". She told me that her answer was, "Yes. Of course. You've instilled enough in Jennifer to get her anywhere she wants to go." I hate that I lied. While she was alive, I was practically a mini version of her, I even looked exactly like she did when she was little. I had everyone, especially her, believing that I was strong and going to get stronger. That I was going to be able to do anything and handle any obstacle. I wasn't strong though. I was loyal. Everything good that I did, was under the instruction of my mom. I wasn't a young lady going places, I was a loving puppet. Without that beloved call of "JENNIFER" cascading down the hallways, I have no direction, no motive. Its almost become a game with my family. I try to see how far I can fall while still convincing my family that I'm rock solid. Ashley and TJ are barely in on it. They know that I have issues, but they don't know how deep they run. The rest of them think I'm still Sandra Marie Jr. with a perfectly organized bedroom, a 4.0, a regular yoga routine, and a future teaching choir. Even before my slip and the creation of this game, my Nana would cry every time I would leave after a visit. She still does. Out of a huge family of 15+ people, only 4 of them give me an identity past being "Sandy's little girl". That's how I'm introduced at church functions over the holidays. Its never "This is my niece, Jennifer" its always "This is my late-sister Sandy's little girl" and I smile and shake their hand and say "Jennifer. Nice to meet you." But I want to scream at the top of my lungs "I DON'T WANT TO BE SANDY'S LITTLE GIRL. THAT'S NOT WHO I AM ANYMORE. I DON'T DESERVE IT. I CAN'T LET HER DOWN ANYMORE THAN I ALREADY HAVE , SO JUST STOP. DON'T MAKE ME DISAPPOINT HER EVEN MORE. LET ME CUT THE DAMN CORD." I can't do this anymore. But there's no not doing it. There's no way out. I have no idea what I'm going to do. 

So that's me, Jennifer Michael. The girl of self-deprecation, self-loathing, and self-pity. 

Cheers.

Summer To Do List

• Learn 5 new jazz standards
• Write 5 songs 
• Like at least one of them
• Finish Drivers Ed
• Get my permit
• Spend some time with Troy
• Get as close to TJ as I am with Ash
• Get a snap pea from my snap pea plants
• Decorate my room
• Have a talk with and forgive my Grandma
• Learn 10 new songs on the piano
• Try new baking recipes 
• Get in better shape

I think this looks pretty realistic, since I refrained from adding crap like 'fall in love' and 'self-actualize' off of the list. I'm looking forward to this summer! :)

Family

Family is such an amazing thing. I wore the tank top. The tank top. from that day. It started to bother me a bit, but my family carried me through it. I love them so much for being so awesome and helping me overcome anything!

I love you two soo much!! <3

Indie-pendence Day

I would like to declare today as Ginny Indie-pendence Day.

It will serve as a reminder to me. A reminder to be light-hearted and free as an actual hipster, to always be myself even if it means that I have to be alternative to do so, and that I don't have to be with someone to be happy.

:)

marathon

Lately, I've been really proud of myself for doing better. For having more emotional health. For really starting to take care of myself. But now I'm just starting to realized how little I've actually done and how much farther I have to go. The voice in my head is saying:

"You stood up? Oh, good for you. Go run the marathon, bitch."

I'm trying to calm down and be nice to myself, but to be honest, I'm terrified and being mean to myself is simply easier. But I really want to choose what is right over what is easy. Just like Cedric and Harry. With my personality though, I'm either nice to myself and get nothing done or I'm horrid to myself but convince myself that its helping and I'm making progress by emotionally torturing myself. Sometimes I accidentally fall into this perfectly balanced emotionally, accomplish everything, go-getter version of myself but I get so tired so quickly because if I stop doing that for one second to rest, I can't pick it back up. And I suppose that would be alright if I could bounce back and forth between being a lard-ass and a maniac to stay balanced and accomplished without killing myself, but I can't. I don't know how to provoke myself into getting anything done.


I'm young and need guidance, but I'm too old and pigheaded to seek or accept it.

well...

it looks like my whole world for the next year is totally fucked. thanks universe, up yours too.

Too Much To Ask

Is it too much to ask to be a human with a normal body to compensate for my abnormal life?
Is it too much to ask for a parent with one iota of responsibility?
Is it too much to ask for all of my friends to live on the same continent?
Is it too much to ask to excel at something?

I'd like to stop worrying about my head and my back and start worrying more about the world around me.
I'd like to not have a dad who locks me out and then falls asleep but has a job instead.
I'd like to actually be there for my friends physically, not just emailing them.
I'd like to be remembered for doing something beautiful.

I'd like....I'd like.....I'd like.
What am I going to do about it?

lulz

Dad: Did you know that you can get an STD from a loofa?
Me: Wouldn't it be an LTD then?
Dad: ....................I think it depends on what you do with the loofa.

brb. dying.



okay. i'm done laughing now.
its these moments that help me believe i can make it through the next two years.

Dreams

O.O

OMG!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT THE STANFORD CHOIR INVITATIONAL WAS AMAZING AND I CRIED AND I WANT TO HAVE CHAMER CHOIR'S BABIES AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH AND THAT WAS WITHOUT A DOUBT THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE I WANT TO LIVE THAT MOMENT ON REPEAT OMG THAT WAS SO EPIC OH MI GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I don't wanna be your re-run.

I love you when you're serious.
That's for sure.
I love you when you're funny.
Not always.
I want to get closer to you,
But I'm afraid I'll become annoyed with your antics
And if that happens, I'll be her all over again.
I don't want that for us.
I really don't know what to do about you.
I would use my Boy Handbook,
But that handbook is your brain for me.
I'm scared, scared, scared.
This awkward tension has to go somewhere eventually.
Has it already gone somewhere without us realizing?
We already kinda act like we're in the beginning stages of being together.
I'm not even sure if that's what I want.
I really wish I could talk to you about this.
You'd probably tell me to do what feels right.
But I don't even know what would feel right.
I want for you to explain to me what I should do about this.
I'm so lost.

Draw me a map.

Beauty

One day im going to make something beautiful. I'm sure of it.

Once I figure out what my beautiful thing is supposed to be, nothing will stop me.

There is beauty in me, I will find it and share it some day.

My head

hurts like a fucking bitch and i want to scoop my brains out and through them away. because i'm pretty sure i'd be in less pain in that situation. i think i yelled too much playing video games. haha.

Feet

Hello, Feet.
Nice to see you again.
How long has it been since I've seen you?
Its been 6 years?
That's far too long!
I mean no offense, but I'm glad you're under me again.
Its so much nicer than running balanceless.
And its a million times nicer than being flat on my ass.
Well, I sincerely hope that our time apart has not diminished our relationship.
Glad to see you again.

I really hope you're planning on sticking around.
Because I'm not giving you much choice on the matter.
Oh, and we're going for a run tomorrow.
And then we're going dancing.
Buck up, lads. We've got six years to catch up on.
Lets go.
I'm in control now.
You're my bitch; I'm your pimp.
That's how it should have been this whole time.
Don't think I'm letting you loose ever again.

Suck it up, its game time.
-Jennifer

Pathways

We had a good go.
It was fun.
Life changing even.
But you went your way.
And I'm
Trying
To go mine.
Follow my own pathway,
Finally stop looking back.
Freedom.

BAM!

Something at my feet.
A postcard.
"LOOKIT!
I'M COOL NOW!
ADMIRE ME, DAMMIT!
LOOOOOOKIT!"
you are so cool.
you always were.
you're so amazing and talented.
i miss spending time with you.
i would admire you if we did.
i miss you!
Time passes.
Move past the postcard and
Forget.
Carry on.
Feel alright.

BAM!
"LOOOOOOKIT!
I'M EVEN COOLER THAN BEFORE.
BOW DOWN TO MY AWESOME POWER OF AWESOMENESS.
LOOOOOOOOOOOKIT ME!!!!!"
well, this is weird...
but he's always been that cool.
he just never saw it himself.
wow. i guess i still miss him.
Shaken.
But fine.
Continue
Walking down my path.

BAM!
"LOOOOKIT ME!
I CAN BE COOL DOING WHAT YOU DO TO BE COOL.
I'M SO MULTI-TALENTED AND AMAZING.
I'M PRETTY SURE YOU AGREE.
NO, I'M NOT PRETTY SURE.
I'M CONVINCED YOU AGREE.
SO I FEEL NO NEED AT ALL TO ASK YOUR OPINION
BECAUSE I KNOW I'M SO COOL
YOU'LL JUST SCREAM
'YES, OH GOD! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!'
AS YOU JIZZ YOURSELF.
MM HMM. THAT'S WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.
I DON'T NEED TO ASK ANYMORE.
SEEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
LOOOOOKIT ME?
THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD
LOOOOOOOOKIT MEEEE!!!!!"
really?
wow.
wow.
wow.
this is getting weird.


BAM!
"LOOOOOKIT!
I'VE STARTED A NEW FORM OF MEDIA,
BUT I CAN STILL KEEP UP WITH MY OLD ONE.
I ROCK. NO, I ROCK ASS.
SEE HOW TALENTED I AM?
MY FIRST TALENT HASN'T GONE AWAY AT ALL
JUST BECAUSE I'VE STARTED BEING TALENTED ELSEWHERE.
I'M SOOOOOOOOO EFFING COOOOL.
I'M SO COOL I WANT TO RUN TO A ROOF AND YELL TO THE WORLD
'LOOOOOOOOOOOKIT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!'
BUT I WONT.
BECAUSE THAT WOULD HURT MY VOICE.
AND THEN I'D BE A LITTLE LESS COOL.
AND I WANT TO KEEP BEING AS COOL AS POSSIBLE
SO I WONT DO THAT.
SO I CAN STAY COOL."
...




"You go your way and I'll go mine"
That's the old adage.
We had a deal.
You can't say goodbye, and then walk the same way.
That's the number one way to break the deal.
Just ask Demetri.
But honestly,
You went your way.
I'm exhausted.
I want to go mine.
All I want is to go my way.
And be done with this.
So let me.
For the love of God, let me.

I'll even give you a little hint at being cool:
Hipsters are 'in the moment' people.
Stop dredging up your past.
It'll shake your cool.

So go be cool,
And let me be content
With my evenings with tea and Ms. Austen.

Point made.
I get it.
Just stop.

Coincidence?

Wore the earrings,
Got a baby ear infection.
I do believe that's called irony, kiddies.

Feelin' Good

Had a breakdown about choir.
Had a breakdown about the fact that my guitar wont hold a tune, because normally playing is how I calm down.

Had a breakdown about not having a viola to use in place of my guitar.

Had a breakdown about the email that wound up in my inbox.
Had a breakdown about having a breakdown.

Cool Kid talked me through it and not only brought be back, he got me a little more sane than I was before.
Dad brought home a girl without any warning whatsoever - I'm still good.
She's annoying as hell and went into my room for no reason (my door was even closed) and now she's telling me how to bake from the living room - I'm still good.

I guess things work out when a person who's all kinds of crazy becomes good friends with a person who can be rational through all kinds of problems. I'm not entirely sure how the Ginny/Troy insanity dynamic is playing out, but there's one thing about it I know: I'm feelin' good.

Poop

-Guilty pleasure
Sir Gaga


-Something that inspires you
Indie photography, Music. Poetry.

-The five songs you would have with you on a desert island and why

1. Sleep as performed by Chamber Choir (so i could get to sleep)
2. Snakes on a Place by Cobra Starship (so i could stay pumped to keep myself alive)
3. Stand By Me by Ben E King. (so i could remember to love)
4. The Gilligan's Island intro song (a must-have on a desert island)
5. La Vie Boheme (i'd have enough time to sit down and learn 100% of the words)

-What you imagine paradise to be like
A bookstore with an attached garden with hammocks to read in with a section of the garden isolated for meditation

-A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life
Mr. Grant, thank you for giving me that solo in the winter concert when I was in the 4th grade and giving me the encouragement to actually accept it when I was too afraid to. You taught me that music was something I could - and should do. It forever changed every aspect of my life. 
Thank you.

-Earliest thing you can remember
Hiding the pantry while playing Hide 'n' Seek so I could eat cookies while someone came to find me.


-Favorite cover of your favorite song
That jazzy chick that John sent me a video of singing Stand By Me.

-Someone you think would make a good president
Sue Sylvester. duh.

-Five things you want to see change

1. I want people to hate less and love more.
2. I want people to be accepted for their sexual orientations.
3. I want the world to be a place where people can follow their dreams without society telling them that it's a bad and irresponsible thing.
4. I want people to communicate better amongst each other.
5. I want "each other" to be one word.

-A dream you had this past week described in detail
All I remember is that I owned an intergalactic coffee shop and Legolas was a regular customer.
 -Favorite picture ever taken of yourself
The picture I took of myself just after I got my second hamster, Spunky, because my face was all messed up and awkward and it completely captures my personality at the time.

-Your favorite musical artist’s life story
Emmy Rossum.

-A memory that never fails to make you laugh
The party we had in our hotel room on the Ralston tour jamming to our renditions of Joe's solo.

-Best mashup you’ve ever heard
Confessions/Its My Life - The Glee Boys 
DUH

-A moment, phrase, or song that has changed your life the most. 
Its a toss up between my mom telling me she had cancer, and the song Come Together by the Beatles.

-Something that you want to do within the next five years.
Write a good song.

-What you want to be remembered for.
For loving like crazy.

-A picture that makes you feel
The picture of my mom from when she was 11.

-A passage from a book that has touched you
"The town was paper, but the memories were not." John Green, Paper Towns


"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. ... You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present." John Green, Looking for Alaska


"What is the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?"  John Green, An Abundance of Katherines


"What is an "instant" death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous."  Looking for Alaska


"When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out."  Paper Towns


"You know your problem, Quentin? You keep expecting people not to be themselves. I mean, I could hate you for being massively unpunctual and for never being interested in anything other than Margo Roth Spiegelman, and for, like, never asking me about how it's going with my girlfriend - but I don't give a shit, man, because you're you. My parents have a shit ton of black Santas, but that's okay. They're them. I'm too obsessed with a reference website to answer my phone sometimes when my friends call, or my girlfriend. That's okay, too. That's me. You like me anyway. And I like you. You're funny, and you're smart, and you may show up late, but you always show up eventually." Paper Towns


"...because you're only thinking they-might-not-like-me-they-might-not-like-me, and guess what? When you act like that, no one likes you."  Katherines


"It is so hard to leave - until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world."  Paper Towns


"It is easy to forget how full the world is of people, full to bursting, and each of them imaginable and consistently misimagined."  Paper Towns


-A band that you immediately liked and the song that made you like them
The Beatles - Come Together

-Your favorite medium of art.
Words

-Someone you would give your life up for without question.
I would trade my life for my mom's in a second if I could.

-Most awkward first impression you feel you’ve ever given
My birth. That was a crazy ride.

-Something you did as a child that other people remember you for.
In Reno, I'm remembered for my extreme involvement in the music program.

-Something you would do if no one stopped you or if you knew you wouldn’t fail.
I don't really have an answer anymore.

-Your definition of love.
Love is feeling your heart race at the speed of light because they're in the same room as you, and having a smile be put on your face everytime you hear their voice. Its going to bed thinking about them, seeing them in your dreams, then having them be the first thing on your mind after you wake up. Its being totally pissed at them, but still wanting to grow old with them. Its sticking by them no matter what, and caring for them unconditionally. 

-Your definition of the meaning of life.
Following your heart, your dreams, and your passions.

-A moment you remember being completely happy in and a description of why you believe you were. what is your definition of happiness?
I was putting a glow-in-the-dark puzzle of a wizard together with my mom. We were drinking berry flavored mineral water (her favorite) and every time we would get a piece placed correctly, we would scream outrageous Tarzan war cries. We stayed there for 4 hours finishing the puzzle and then another hour moving it into my bathroom so we could it get all glowy. We didn't realize we had spent all day working on it. I remember not worrying about anything during one of the most worrisome times of my life and not wanting the day to end. That's why I think I was so happy. I was carefree and wishing for time to stop.

-What you live for.
Love.

-Ways you believe you have grown over the past thirty days.
I've regressed to a dark place, and realized where I went and made a gameplan to get out of that dark place. That's as far as I've gotten so far.

Yo, Anon?

You wish you could do what now?

Me

So I started a list after Sarah told me to and it turned out like this:

• brown hair
• dark green eyes
• loves music
• loves love
• reads about yoga, but doesnt actually do it, no matter how much she tells herself she will
• hates country music
• has an obsession with fingernails, so she always keeps them painted so as to not distract herself
• has an extreme desire to perform on Broadway as Belle even though she knows she doesn't have what it takes
• writes songs
• hates every song she writes
• writes random-ass poetry when she's really upset
• fixes other people's problems instead of her own
• lives in the past
• oppressed girly-girl
• weird/amusing laugh
• fine with how her body looks - just not how it functions
• would be an OCD-like organized freak if she had the ability to kick herself in the ass
• tired all the time
• can't think when tired
• hates sleeping alone (cats count towards not being alone)
• addicted to tea
• bright smile
• loves to help people

And I'm not too happy with how it came out. But I was cleaning my room today, and I started going through all the old notebooks I brought back from Reno but never went through I found a few things. A few things I needed to find a few months ago.

• Pretty hair color
• Nice, thick hair
• Pretty eye color in the sunlight
• Fairly long eyelashes
• Full lips
• Straight teeth
• Long legs
• Delicate skin tone
• Smart
• Clever
• Funny
• Modest
• Compassionate
• Puts others first
• Trustworthy
• Kind
• Good at singing
• Good memory for little details
• Good writer
• Vocabulant
• Creative
• Imaginative
• Can help others think through situations
• Fun
• Dedicated

If I had found this a while ago, it would have been a nice reminder. Now its a nice reality check. I'm not a lot of these things anymore. I've lost most of my good qualities. I was trying to find me by learning about myself. But I've lost who I am, so that wasn't working. I needed to be looking at who I was before and trying to figure out how to get back to being the Ginny that everyone knew and loved. I need to get back to being me.

I've also found a list of promises I made to myself. I'm re-promising them to myself and I'm listing them here.

I promise:

-To shower every morning 

-To never skip my skin routine

-To never leave the house without sunblock on

-To say 5 good things about myself every morning

-To eat well, exercise, and to be kind to my body (no more nutella binges)

-To spent at least 10 with Rusty where he was my full attention every day

-To sing my heart out every day

-To compliment 2 people a day - and mean it

-To To be kind to everybody and to try and find nice to say about someone when someone else says something mean about them

-To reflect on my day every night and try to learn from it

-To do my homework right after school

-To never put myself down unnecessarily - verbally and mentally

-To keep my room and bathroom uncluttered so my brain doesn't get that way either

-To write 5 times a week to work towards becoming a better writer

-To actually call people on their birthdays

-To celebrate my girly-girl side and not hide it

-To "make wise choices"

-To also help my friends become better people

And above all:

-To love unconditionally 8 days a week

How am I for corny? 

But hey, it works.

Comprehension

I don't understand you, your motives, your ideals, or your thoughts.
I've given up on figuring them out.

You began as a mystery to me, and you'll end as mystery.

I guess that's karma telling me that I can't have everything that I want. I want to figure you out the most, and I know you the least.

I don't have what I want...when do I get what I need?
What do I need? I have no idea.

More Things To Say To People

1) Hate is a strong word, but I really really don't like you sometimes.
2) I value and crave your approval to a point that is far beyond healthy.
3) Pick where you want to stand in my life. You bounce between extremes and its exhausting for both of us.
4) We're so close, but I'm still so intimidated by you and constantly fear that you wont like me.
5) You're epic and I am not worthy of your friendship due to your unadulterated and unwavering raw awesome.

Eargasm

This is literally a dream come true.
Its my vocal idol performing my favorite Broadway duet with my favorite classical singer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39qTvBlk1B4

Please excuse me while I jizz over this a bit more.
Im so pissed, my dad would have totally taken us to London to see this. He loves Chess. And I love Josh and I worship Idina.

My bologna has first name...

It's Ginnymayerneedstogetaregularsleepcycle.

My bologna has a second name...
It's shewontgetunsickforareallongtimeunlesssheacutallyfunctionslikearegularhuman.

Painpanda

Sinus infections hurt like a PMSing dominatrix with a chainsaw. And they don't let you sleep. This sucks some major butt.

Mind

The mind is an amazing thing. With one little realization that I made last week, my life was been vastly improved. And I had this realization, because I changed the password to my computer.

Realization: I don't love him anymore. Not in a romantic sort of way, at least. And that I hadn't for a long time. I had turned him into this perfect dream guy in my brain, and then became fixated with my obsession.

Timeline:

1) change password

2) wonder why i kept password for so long

3) get seriously confused about it

4) REALIZATION!

-one week later-

5) emotional benefits of realization still intact

so, i consider this an epic win.

goodbye, hammock26

hello, la vie boheme! freedom, beauty, truth, and love! (lol not my new password, but the essence of it.)

3hrs later edit: I just proved it again. Played some of his stuff and couldn't get through it without rolling my eyes. =happy dance=

Yay!

I'm starting to get my life back in order!!

How exciting is that??

A: super

Okay, before you read the next sentence, turn on Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop.

(did you do it yet?)

His eyes are like the sea after a storm. They kinda have a magical effect on me. I dunno if I like him like that yet, but I certainly do love his eyes.

Deal

I need to make I deal with myself that I'll only listen to Lady GaGa when she comes on shuffle; moreover, I must also agree to not turn on shuffle and click next until she comes on. Because honestly, lyrics like "I'm bluffin with my muffin" can't be good for my IQ.

This is totally do-able.

Musique

1) Your favorite song

Stand By Me - Ben E. King

2) Your least favorite song

Anything from West Side Story, by the Jonas Brothers, or by Miley Cyrus

3) A song that makes you happy

I've Just Seen A Face - JohnPaulGeorge&Ringo

4) A song that makes you sad

All Star - Smashmouth

5) A song that reminds you of someone

Rocky Raccoon - The Beatles

(sarah. duh!)

6) A song that reminds you of somewhere

Sk8r Boi - Avril

(kellys house. lol)

7)A song that reminds you of a certain event

Snakes on a Plane - Cobra Starship

(natty & ducky do you remember that shit? good times, man.)

8) A song that you know all the words to

Seasons of Love from RENT

(i've had to sing it in choir enough times. XD)

9) A song you can dance to

Everything by Taylor Swift apparently

10) A song that makes you fall asleep

Moonlight Sonata - Mozart

11) A song from your favorite band

The Long and Winding Road - Beat-les

12) A song from a band that you hate

Home - Daughtry

13) A song that is a guilty pleasure

Bad Romance - Sir GaGa

14) A song that no one would expect you to love

Wake Up - Hilary Duff

15) A song that represents you

All You Need Is Love - Meh boys

16) A song you used to love but now hate

Anything by Linkin Park

17) A song you hear often on the radio

Hey Soul Sister -Train

18) A song you wish you heard on the radio

FYE - Adam

19) A song from your favorite album

You're Still You - Joshy

20) A song you listen to when you're angry

Eye of the Tiger - Survivor

21) A song you listen to when you're happy

Elephant Love Medley - Moulin Rouge

22) A song you listen to when you're sad

Smile - Charlie Chaplin

23) A song that you want to play at your wedding

How Deep is the Ocean - Diana Krall

24) A song you want to play at your funeral

Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice

25) A song that makes you laugh

Nerds In Love - Adam and Andrew

26) A song that you can play on an instrument

Let It Be - B-e-a-t-les

27) A song that you wish you could play

Freebird!

28) A song that makes you feel guilty

What If - Coldplay

29) A song from your childhood

The Naked Mole Rap

(c'mon y'all! let the girlies sing! ITS THE NAKED MOLE RAP!)

30) Your favorite song at this time last year

A Rush Of Blood To The Head - not Coldplay (shiftlyglance)

Fuck It

I'm gonna be who I wanna be, not who I am out of convenience.

Sleep

Its like, some law of the universe now that when I go to bed I will get up at least 2 times before getting to sleep. And it will always happen right after I get really comfy or when the cat sits on me. The universe hates me.

Every time

Every time I sit alone in my room,

all I can think about is kissing you.

I guess I have too much free time.

& sometimes,

I think that if you hear me sing, you'll fall in love with me.

I guess I read too many books and watch too many movies.

Day 12

Whatever Tickles My Fancy:

okay a few things

• i'm looking down at my notebook, because it would be wayy too much effort to memorize 4 stanzas that i wrote myself :P
• i realize that i pushed my glasses up like a fool (and yes, my pants are on the ground. the rest of me too!)
• im sorry this is a cappella, i can't decide on a piano part
• yes, I WOULD LOVE INPUT AND ADVICE AND SUGGESTIONS! I NEED THEM! THIS SONG IS NAKED!
• yes, that is a pile of recently discarded clothes on my bed ;)
• i'm sorry i get all weird with my voice and slide out of key on "eyes"
• yes, there are only 3 notes in this song. i'm very new to this
• i did write more variation in the verses, i just didnt sing it 'cause im such a lame-o

but really y'all leave suggestions pleasssse. and if you do I'LL LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS DAMN WORLDDDDDDDDD!

"All dressed up with no where to go

Walkin' with a dead man over my shoulder

Waitin' for an invitation to arrive

Goin' to a party where no one's still alive"

I don't live in this world.

My heads is in the clouds,

My thoughts dance with the stars.

I sing with the birds flying by,

And dance with the squirrels.

The places and people in my head

Are so much more interesting.

Everything and everyone is so

Nice, charming, sweet, kind,

romantic, magical, amazing.

I wish I could just live there instead.

Maybe then I'd be happy.

Maybe then I'd be beautiful.

Maybe then things would be right.

Perhaps life wouldn't be as painful.

I wish I could find out if that were true.

Day 11

A Photo Of Me Taken Recently:

How's two seconds ago for recent, eh? Ginny Mayer, steppin' it up.

Day 10

(a day late)

A photo of you taken over 10 years ago:

i totally think i look like Boo from Monsters Inc.

Day 9

A photo that I took:

I am convinced that if ducky were a guy, this would be a perfect cover to a cheesy teen romance book about two people that fall in love on a camp site in the forest.

Day 8

A photo that makes me angry or sad:

This makes me mad that you can never get a real picture of Ducky.

This makes me mad that its impossible to sing on stage without looking like a zombie or a douche. There's no middle ground.

This makes me angry because I'm not that pale in real life.

This picture makes me angry because my hair will never do that again no matter how hard I try.

Day 7

Pictures that make me happy:

This is Ty. He's basically my little brother. And this picture reminds me that I've taught him well. :)

This is the fat guy from B&N who was looking at the Sex section and was looking a bit too happy. lol

I don't think I have to explain why this picture makes me so happy. This was the last time everyone in the family was together for a happy reason. Oh, the power of Christmas....

MY KING

IS RONALD WEASLEY.

&& TODAY IS HIS BIRTHDAY!

I LOVE HIM!

(and yes, i'd be sleazy for ron weasley. lol)

Confession #6

Every time I hear an ambulance driving up Ralston, I run to my window to watch it and pray that Jeff's okay, now that he's had all these asthma problems. I guess its silly, but I worry about him.

(oh, and i also send up a quick one for the poor person who the ambulance is really for.)

Day 6

Whatever tickles my fancy:

Right now, this be tickling my fancy.

And so does filling out this:

I am:

Happy. Sad. A good friend. Adventurous. Shy. Confident. Procrastinating. A male. Bored. Anxious. Clumsy. Sociable. Always punctual. Selfish. Intelligent. Funny. A female. Sarcastic. Insecure. Sick. Beautiful. Articulate. Loud. Kind. Even tempered. Honest. Short. Tall. Medium height. Proud of myself. Loving. Witty. Down to earth. Outspoken. Determined. High maintenance.Pretty. Assertive. Organized. Selfless.

I have:

Brown hair. Blue eyes. Pale skin. Brown eyes. Curly hair. Long fingernails.Curves. Braces. Chipped nail polish. Long legs. Straight hair. A fringe. Long eyelashes. Sore feet. Dark skin. Green eyes. Blonde hair. Dyed hair. Red hair. Short legs. Big boobs. Rosy cheeks. Wavy hair. Black hair. A small waist. Piercings. Tattoos. Big ears. Short hair.

My S.O/crush/ex is:
Tall. Intelligent. Selfish. Selfless. Confusing. Funny. A good singer. Mysterious. Bad for me. Sweet. An animal lover. A surfer. A skater. Dating somebody else. Blonde. Unaffectionate. Charming. Brunette. Romantic. A liar. Easy to forgive. Dealing with problems. Moody. Kind to my friends .Boring. Shy. Gorgeous. Caring. Short. A redhead. In college. At work. At school. Always iming me. Pale skinned. Tanned. Quiet. Obnoxious.Protective of me. Jealous. Cocky.

I love:
Babies. Flowers. Kisses. Summer. Coffee. The rain. Candles. Incense. Late night talk shows. Insects. Hugs. Attention. The beach. Chocolate.Music. Hats. Harry Potter. Twilight. Facebook. Black and white photos. Sleeping in. Driving. Narrating my pet’s thoughts. Opening gifts. Buying gifts. Halloween. Cute texts. Apples. Compliments. Country music. Hip hop. Sushi. Sports. Art. Singing. Seeing my loved ones happy. Surprises. Sunsets and sunrises. Skinny dipping. Horror movies. Simon Cowell. Family Guy. Garlic. Hearing somebody talk in their sleep. Being right. KFC. Abstract photography. Concerts and festivals. Tanning. Oversized t-shirts.

I would love to be a:
Police officer. Lawyer. Doctor. Teacher. Fruit picker. Mother. Greenpeace volunteer. Hippie. Groupie. Rockstar. Footballer’s wife. Therapist. Singer. Actress. Diving instructor. Lottery winner. Company owner. Housewife. Nurse. Builder. Race car driver. Website developer. An inspirational talker. Music teacher. Artist. Chef. Makeup artist. Hairdresser. Restaurant owner. Homeless shelter volunteer. Fitness trainer. Vet. Radio show host. Band manager. Writer.

I like to eat:
Fruit. Vegetables. Fast food. Sushi. In bed. Rice. Sandwiches. Subway. Chicken. Cakes. Seafood. A lot. Pasta. Rice crackers. When I’m bored. Cheese. Ice cream. Garlic bread. Peanut butter out of the jar. Eggs. Lots of ethnic foods. Pancakes. Honey. Lunch. Bread crusts. Low calorie foods. Soy products. Gluten free products. Only when I’m hungry. Toast. Beef. Breakfast. Pizza.

I dislike:
Cold mornings. Baths. People dissing my taste in music. People in front of me walking really slowly. Having my personal space invaded. Cleaning. Going to bed early. Wine/beer. Religion arguments. Coffee. The beach. Rain. Children. Having my photo taken. Drama. Gossiping. Hip hop. Cooking shows. Drugs. Cats. People singing happy birthday to me. School.Selfish people. Social networking sites. Swimming. Snow. Eminem. Seafood.One word text messages. Awkward silences. Alarm clocks.

When you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, what’s the first thing you say?
You poor thing, what are you doing up at seven in the morning and looking so disheveled?

How much cash do you have on you?
None. All my money is on my debit card. My dad has my cash because John is an evil mastermind.

What’s a word that rhymes with “TEST”?
Undressed.

Favorite planet?
Pluto!

But, apparently, God liked Saturn a whole hell of a lot, since he put a ring on it and all.... XD

Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
John.

What is your main ring tone on your phone?
Some annoying song. I wanna switch it back to the default - bad porno music, since people's reactions were so funny.

What shirt are you wearing?
One of my bealtes shirts.

Do you “label” yourself?
Loosely.

Name the brand of your shoes you’re currently wearing?
Converse.

Bright or Dark Room?
Bright.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
reading.

What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
Que onde?

(my dad's fail spanish.)

What’s a saying that you say a lot?

Like a vagina!

Who told you they loved you last?
Jess.

Last furry thing you touched?
My cat's ear.

How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days?
pain meds and sleep aids every night. :(

How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
none. because i live in the 2000's

Favorite age you have been so far?
13.

Your worst enemy?
Myself.

What is your current desktop picture?
Pink flowers. The teddybear waiting by the subway was too depressing.

What was the last thing you said to someone?
Bye! Thank you so much!

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a
major regret?
Change a major regret. I wish I had said good-bye.

Do you like someone?
Nope.

The last song you listened to?
I Don't Know How To Love Him as performed by Lea Michelle.

one of my favorite singers performing a song from one of my favorite musicals = hell yeah!